Perhaps there is a need to keep things short because of what i've become.
Paranoid.
Especially when time is limited.

Its knowing what i have became and trying to do something about it.
I do not have control over my thoughts.
It is always a losing battle.
Some days are better.
I gave my monstrous shadow a few good whacks before it claimed me.
But i will probably lose this one.
On my own.
I just need to keep myself alive till the next day.

Do you know what effect you have?
The things you do, the things you say, the attitude you have.
Don't hide things from me.
Yet i know you do that to save yourself time.
Precious time.
Especially today.
Its doing certain things and knowing why it has to done.
Don't lie to me.

The process of paranoia is never nice to watch.
Some days i can see myself deteriorating.
Other days it happened too fast.
It is upon me before i know what happened.
Some times you are around to make it okie.
Other times are... like now.
You can't.
Perhaps not because you don't want to.
But you can't.

Deeper and deeper i go.
Darker and darker my thoughts become.
Halt.
Trying to put on the brakes.
Stop stop stop.
If i can continue typing here and rationalizing as i go along,
perhaps it will.
But i am so tired.
I want to give up and sink beneath the murky waters.
It takes so much of me to keep a tiny side of me here,
continuing typing
prolonging the eventuality of descent.

You talk to me more you said.
Can such things be measured?
Quantity?
I need you to talk to me when it matters.
But now it matters all the time.
Dilemma.

See how my dark thoughts intrude even here?
Should i give myself up now?
Who is here to help me?
I have to keep reminding myself that it is not me.
If she called, it would be the same.
It has become harder and harder to convince myself.
My thoughts run wild.
She must have called just now.
Did i hear something in your tone of voice?
How many rings it took before you picked up the phone?
She must have emailed as well.
Did you reply her?
You promised you wouldn't!

Slow down.
Out of control.
You promised.
I am trying my hardest.
Don't you know?
I am trying my hardest to believe you, to trust you.
Don't you understand?
I am really trying my best.
Why is it not good enough?

Draining.
I know the quickest solution to all these thoughts.
Have a sleeping pill and pass into oblivion.
At least for tonight.
You said you will talk to me tomorrow.
I am trying so hard to not take that solution.
But i really cannot stand it anymore.
These violently rolling thoughts are getting out of control.
And too much to bear.

I want to be well!!!!!!!!!!!

I have succumbed.